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3 INF mistakes causing unhappiness in relationships
My dear fellow INF,
You deserve to have deep and meaningful relationships.
Imagine having people come to you and respectfully ask for your insight. Not because you're always there for them, but because they deeply honor your level of intuition. What would it feel like?
Imagine gazing into the eyes of a person who really sees you and the vast inner world that you hold close to your heart. Now imagine them wanting to be a part of it. Not because it amuses them or entertains them, but because you have a depth of understanding and wisdom that brings most people to their knees: They just want to experience your depth and celebrate it with you.
Imagine no longer feeling lonely, but actually being reciprocated your kind of commitment and loyalty from people around you. The kind of loyalty that you can rely on. Yes indeed. It's doable.
Most of us INF types don't have herds of friends who truly understand the complexity of who we are. Because we have the tendency to understand others more than they understand us, a lot of our relationships end up becoming one-sided to one degree or another. And if you are like me, it was just a question of time before I felt somewhat taken advantage of and resentful.
It was a rude awakening when I realized was that even though I felt like I was at the receiving end a bad deal, I was actually contributing to this issue quite passively, but very specifically.
If you are feeling like you have these one-sided relationships, it is likely that you are directly contributing to your special kind of loneliness. The great news is that when you stop doing any one of those things, you begin to "magically" manifest amazingly deep two-way relationships, where you are not only understood, but where your uniqueness is also celebrated. Of course, this is no magic at all.
Here's the 3 mistakes most INF types make, which cause them unhappiness in relationships:
Not setting appropriate boundaries
Having expectations of others' commitment to your relationship
Withholding information about your deepest fears and desires until you get angry about them not having a voice.
Having realized my passive, but very significant input, I became committed to shed the bad habits. As a result, I begun to relax and even learnt new ways to socialize and connect with people. I begun to invite people into my vast inner world without losing my privacy and sense of safety.
If you have suffered from a string of one-sided relationships or are still struggling to let people into your inner world, please don't worry. There are plenty of exercises you can do, and courses you can take to teach you these important, life expanding skills.
Boundary exercises: Setting appropriate boundaries means being available to others, once and only once you have looked after your own basic needs first. Most of us INF types are self sacrificing, and most always put others' needs ahead of our own. And don't forget that everyone has different basic needs: don't judge your basic needs or compare them to others'.
1. Begin to observe yourself and what your needs are, so that you can fulfill them before overflowing your attention and efforts towards others. Write these basic needs down and keep the list with you to remind you when, inevitably, you forget. Cognitive dissonance can make you forget your new path, and using things like notes to remind us regularly will be a great tool to begin your transformation.
2. Commit not to extend yourself to others until your basic needs have been met in any given situation. In the beginning this exercise will feel selfish, but soon it gets easier. Just keep going!
Expectation exercises: You need to learn not to expect others to behave like you do. Most other types are not self sacrificing, and do not even realize how much attention and effort you are putting on the relationship. We are intense people, unlike other types when it comes to relating to others and building relationships.
1. Acquire several good friends, so that your intensity is not directed on only one or two people. This intensity can be overbearing to most people: not because they don't care about you, but because they have no ability to access the depth of understanding that you do.
2. Keep reminding yourself regularly that we are special kind of people, and that our depth of understanding and feeling will never be realized by most people.
Sending out invitations to your inner world exercises:
1. Learn to share personal information about yourself IN A SAFE ENVIRONMENT and with people that you trust. It is imperative that people understand how hard it is for you to share with others. That's why INF support groups can be so very valuable.
2. Put your mask or reflections aside for the moment and begin to honestly and tenderly share your inner child with the world. This will open your inner world for people to explore and admire you even more. Please make sure to do this gently and very slowly.
3. People cannot appreciate something they don't understand. So if you are not ready to invite people into your inner world through verbal sharing of thoughts, fears and desires, you may give them a glimpse of your inner world by through another kind of medium. Drawing, photography, painting, poetry and writing are just some of the more popular mediums among our types, and can certainly give your inner world a voice that perhaps you have been yearning to share for quite some time.
There are myriads of ways to learn these new skills, but one thing is a fact: you cannot learn these skills on your own. So make sure that you have a support network with whom you get to do this in a safe and honoring manner. If you don't have anyone in your immediate geographic vicinity, join a group or an organisation to make sure you learn these life-enriching skills. As I said before, you deserve to be loved and revered.
For those of you who want to accelerate these learnings, I invite you to join us on our next INFx Unveiled online course. This course is guaranteed to give you insights and specific exercises that will open you up to your purpose, relationship happiness and good health. We have a 30-day money back guarantee on all our products just to make sure that the course is right for you.
However you are going about your transition into happier, more honoring relationships, I wish you all the very best. You are so precious and you deserve all the happiness. Don't you dare to forget that!
With love,
Merja
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