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Authentic Needs vs. Inner Wounds

Question: How do you know the difference between a true, authentic need, and when your inner wounds are talking? For example, with deep connection - do I really need as much as I think I need, or is that just my inner child calling out and needing reassurance more than is truly necessary? How do I know when my actual need has been met but my inner child is being a tiny bit "greedy."

What a fantastic question! So, how do you know if your needs are being met or if your inner wounds are talking? The way you know it is if you absolutely unequivocally require that need to be met, or you feel that you will die that’s your wounds talking.

If you feel that parts of you are going to die if you don’t get that need met, it’s your wounds talking.

Now I want to be really clear, I don’t want people to think that it’s not okay to ask for your wound to be met at a certain level. We can’t go through life without having people or asking people to meet some of our needs, without actually soothing those wounds to some degree.

So it’s not actually about whether or not you should be asking for the thing, it’s more about when you ask for that thing are you able to accept it, are you able to see that people are actually giving you what you need? If you don’t see it, if you feel like you are at the receiving end all the time, and you don’t feel like you’re getting your needs met, then you’re probably not seeing that your needs are being met at some level and that’s when it’s your wounds talking , and I would be more careful about that.

Now knowing what your wounds are and asking those needs to be met by your partner or by other people around you is actually a very healthy thing. So it’s not so much about getting the needs met from the wounds perspective or not, just being aware that you have a wound around something and that you ask for those needs to be met proactively rather then get into that child like greedy space where you then need to almost like steel those needs to be met and manipulate the situation for those needs to be met.

So that’s how I would say how do you know the difference between true and authentic need? Well it’s going to be there, the need is going to be there and it’s okay to ask for your needs to be met, and the only way that you know if the other person is going to meet those needs for you is for you to ask. If you don’t’ ask they won’t know and one persons outrageous request is another person’s every day yes. So you don’t actually know, everybody is so very different. So I just want to say it’s not so much about having the wound running your life, it’s about you being aware that you have a life and you’re actively trying to do those things to get that little bit of reassurance, maybe you need to swallow the humble pie and say “I need reassurance here, are you able to give it to me? I’m feeling insecure about this and that, and would you be able to give me a bit of reassurance or even reflection of what you’re perception of what is going on with this?”

So it’s only when you try to get your needs met in a manipulative way that your inner child is in the driving seat and is being greedy.

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