Quick Tips #1: Emotional needs versus fear

Question: How do you know the difference in a relationship (whether it be a friendship or a life partner) when you are blocking the emotional connection you crave out of fear, versus when the emotional depth that you truly need is not achievable with that particular person?

The emotional depth of your feelings and the emotional depth of the needs that you require to be met is actually not up to the other person, it’s up to you. So when it feels to you like the other person is not meeting your emotional needs, then 99.9% of the time the puck lies with you. So it’s actually that you are not allowing yourself to be loved at a level that the other person is willing to love, because we all actually experience love in very different ways.

Love, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. Our experience of love, how we feel loved and how we express it varies greatly. Thus there is often a misconception that there is not love within the relationship or the friendship even though the other person is very clearly expressing love through their own way of showing love or accepting love themselves. So 99.9% of the time in a loving relationship the problem is that you are not allowing yourself to be loved in a way that the other person is able to love. Because the thing is as an INFx type we don’t have the authority on saying what love should look like and we think we do.

Frequently INFx types talk about unconditional acceptance, but we don’t actually practice it. We think we’re superior to most other types and the truth is that we’re actually not and the most confrontational thing I guess is to hear that we’re not superior, we have very specialised skills but it doesn’t actually mean that our love is more meaningful then other people’s love, and often if we feel that we are not loved as much as how much we give its because we don’t allow the other person to love us.

So in order to actually find out how deep the other person’s love is you need to just ask yourself this question every time you feel “I don’t know if I am being loved at the depth that I love” is “Am I allowing the love in?” and “What are the things that I can do right now to allow more of that love in? Can I allow myself to feel the love that the other person is expressing to me? Even if it’s not exactly the way that I express love myself?” So a lot of the time we just need to get off our own bandwagon and actually start treating people as individuals and as such treat them as the individual that they are rather then how we think they should love.

So I hope that answers your question, in summary the top tips are:

When you feel unloved, make sure that you are not in an abusive relationship, where the love is just not there. But if you are in a loving relationship or if you are in a loving friendship with a person and you don’t feel loved just ask yourself “what am I doing to block this love that this person is trying to express to me?” Are there things that I need to ask for more specifically to get those love needs met that I have? so that I can be loved in a way that works for me. Then the final question is not about whether or not you’re compatible, it’s about what are the things that I am projecting onto this person about how they ‘should’ love me without them actually knowing how they ‘should’ love me. So go ahead and try these tips and see how the depth of your love will transform.

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