Quick Tips #29: Soothing the INFJ Inner Children
Question: Hi Merja,
I have a recurring issue with my inner children.
I understand that one of them is a decision-making part of me (the 10 year old introverted thinking or Accuracy) and one of them is an information collecting part of me (the 3 year old extroverted sensing or Sensations). I feel like they plot together to make my life hard, especially when it comes to relationships. Can you give me some very basic ways how I can find balance with my inner children, instead of having them drive the car into the bushes?
Answer: To harness the 10 year old inner child, who if you remember, is the black and white, action oriented little perfectionist who puts all the ducks in the row in the outside world in order to feel safe, we need to get him or her to soften up a little. The key is for the extroverted Feeling (Harmony) Inner Parent to show the 10 yo Accuracy how to get out of their head and into their heart when it comes to making decisions. Remember, your inner 10yo is all about thinking, and your Inner Parent is all about feeling, and both are decision-makers. When this shift in power and subsequent softening happens, you usually start to take your own needs into consideration as one of the major factors in decision making. The 10 year old might still make decisions in your life, but if every time you are making a decision, you connect into your heart, you will consistently begin to respect your own needs in making decisions.
This, for an INFJ, is a big deal. The INFJs are conditioned to make sure everybody is looked after, but a lot of the time they don’t include themselves in “everybody”. So just to re-iterate - once the INFJ 10 year old starts to let go of being the predominant decision-maker, the whole of you will get more balanced. So, that’s the 10 year old.
The 3 year old INFJ inner child on the other hand needs to be balanced out with the introverted intuition, or Perspectives Adult Self. It is important for all of us to understand that just like we want to make decisions predominantly with our grown up Inner Parent part of us, we want to gather the information about major decisions with the grown up Adult Self part of us too. We don't want to leave big life decisions and information gathering in important topics to our inner children. As the 3 year old Sensations begins to trust the Adult Self to be the predominant information collector, he or she can start relaxing into their own playful self. The less scared and hysterical this part of us feels, the more he or she is able to become a powerful creator in the real world, and things that used to feel awkward for the INFJ, such as socialising, becomes second nature. The bottom line is that your inner children need to KNOW that no matter what happens in your life that YOU have your back and that they are safe. The inner children are so much like our physical children, they find solace in boundaries and only get out of control if they feel that no-one is in charge.
I hope that answers your question, and if you want to get more in-depth understanding on these 4 people that reside withing you, you can check out my best selling course, the 4 People Within.